We’ve all been there. That moment when someone criticizes our work, questions our decisions, or challenges our opinions, and suddenly—bam—we go into full defensive mode. Maybe it’s snapping back with a snarky comment, shutting down emotionally, or blaming someone else for the problem. You know, the usual.
But what if I told you that when we get defensive, we’re not actually protecting ourselves from other people? Nope, not even close.
“Defensiveness does not protect us from other people. It protects us from the fears we don’t want to feel.”Jim Tamm
I learned this quote from Jim Tamm and it has stuck with me ever since.
Yep, you heard me. When we get defensive, it’s not really about the other person at all—it’s about dodging our own internal boogeymen. 🎃
Defensive Behavior: Fear in Disguise
Here’s the deal: Defensive behavior is always rooted in fear. It’s a biological, unconscious reaction that kicks in when something (or someone) touches a nerve deep inside us. And while we might feel like we’re shielding ourselves from a perceived threat, what we’re really doing is running from fears we don’t want to confront.
And what are we so afraid of? It usually boils down to the three biggies that were nailed down by William Schutz:
- Fear of not being included: This is the fear of being left out, sidelined, or excluded from the group. We all want to feel like we belong, and when we sense that we’re being pushed to the outside, we can get defensive to protect our place.
- Fear of being incompetent: No one wants to look like they don’t know what they’re doing. The fear of being seen as incompetent or unskilled can trigger defensiveness, as we scramble to prove we’re on top of things—even when we’re not.
- Fear of not being liked: Humans are social creatures, and deep down, we all want to be liked. When we feel that our likability is under threat, defensiveness can kick in as a way of shielding ourselves from rejection.
These fears aren’t lurking in other people—they’re lurking within us. How do we know that we are defensive? My colleague Mara Callaert always says:
“When it’s hysterical, it is historical.”Lori Gottlieb
In other words, when you overreact, there is a good chance you are triggered in being defensive.
Defenses: A Temporary Fix for a Permanent Problem
Now, before you start feeling bad about getting defensive, let’s be real—everyone does it. It’s a built-in, biological response designed to keep us safe (thanks, evolution!). But the safety it provides? It’s more like a flimsy band-aid than a real solution.
Our defensive behaviors give us quick, temporary relief from uncomfortable emotions, but they don’t fix the underlying issue. In fact, they’re kind of like hitting the snooze button on your fears. Sure, you get a little more peace of mind, but those fears are just going to keep buzzing until you finally deal with them.
And here’s the kicker: Defensive behaviors aren’t just inconvenient; they can be downright counterproductive. Instead of protecting us, they often push others away, cause misunderstandings, and prevent us from growing and learning.
Why Do We Have Defenses Anyway?
Now, before you start feeling bad about getting defensive, let’s be real—everyone does it. It’s a built-in, biological response designed to keep us safe (thanks, evolution!). But the safety it provides? It’s more like a flimsy band-aid than a real solution.
Our defensive behaviors give us quick, temporary relief from uncomfortable emotions, but they don’t fix the underlying issue. In fact, they’re kind of like hitting the snooze button on your fears. Sure, you get a little more peace of mind, but those fears are just going to keep buzzing until you finally deal with them.
And here’s the kicker: Defensive behaviors aren’t just inconvenient; they can be downright counterproductive. Instead of protecting us, they often push others away, cause misunderstandings, and prevent us from growing and learning.
So, What Can We Do About It?
Awareness is key. The next time you feel yourself getting defensive, take a step back and ask yourself: What am I really afraid of right now? Recognizing that your reaction is rooted in fear—and that the fear is internal, not external—can help you manage it more constructively.
And remember, defensive reactions are normal. They’re part of being human. But if we want to grow, learn, and build better relationships, we’ve got to face those fears head-on, instead of letting our defenses run the show.
So, the next time someone challenges you and you feel that wave of defensiveness creeping in, take a deep breath, stand down the saber-tooth-tiger brain, and get curious about what’s really going on inside. It might just be the first step towards real growth—and a lot less drama. 😉
Are you interested in learning more about this and then you can join on of our Radical Collaboration Workshops, where you’ll learn how to recognize these fears and tackle them head on!
